Sometimes we need relationship help because things don’t always go the way we planned. This is especially true in our relationships. There’s nothing fairly as good as the feeling you get when things are going right — and nothing that feels fairly as bad as when a relationship fails or is failing.
Here you will find tips, instruments and guidance for relationship problems such as codependency, enabling, mind games, relationship addiction, marriage problems, and marriage help. If you’re ready to get embarked lets leap right in.
Subconscious Synchronization of Compatible Neural Networks
Whoever you find yourself in a relationship with says as much about you as it does them. Our neural network for love – our “Love Map” is broadcast to the world around us through subconscious signals or para-messages.
We receive these unconscious signals from others and – if they have a compatible Love Map – they will receive unconscious signals from us.
This is how we zoom in on and fasten to someone with a compatible map. It’s also how and why we end up re-enacting the same themes and patterns in our relationships.
For example, If we have a map for codependency then we will send out unconscious signals into the world around us which will only be “picked-up” by those who need someone to fix them, rescue them, penalize them, forgive them and so forward. someone who knows how to “dance our dance” such as an alcoholic, gambling maniac, etc.
Due to the “settings” or filters of our codependent maps we also pick-up on the unconscious signals being sent by someone who needs to be immobile, rescued, penalized, forgiven and so forward.
This is how Distancers find Pursuers, Rescuers find Victims, Victims find Persecutors, Alcoholics find Codependents, Internalizers find Externalizers, and those who are capable of healthy intimity find people who are capable of healthy intimity.
Relationship Help – Polarization
We have all heard the telling that opposites attract. Here’s why – People who disown certain neural networks or “parts” of themselves find compatibility in someone else who has an “extra helping” of what they have disowned.
For example, someone who disowns their anger network. or more accurately their capability to “do anger”. may be subconsciously attracted to a playmate who has problems controlling their anger.
Consciously we want something entirely different because we have a happily-ever-after-map.
When we want something consciously but seem to end up with something other than that repeatedly it’s a good sign that we have a disowned “part” and an internal conflict inbetween conscious and subconscious networks.
When a person disowns their “Anger Map” one way they can proceed to practice that part of themselves is through a connection with someone who feels and voices anger intensely.
It’s like one person gives their share of anger to their fucking partner who subconsciously accepts it as “borrowed anger” adding it to their own supplies.
So what you have is two people on utterly opposite finishes of a line or continuum – polar opposites. they come in for relationship help because one has uncontrollable anger and the other hardly any anger at all.
One looks like the problem while the other looks like a saint. but in actuality they are both part of the same problem – disowned and borrowed parts. Relationship help is necessary to help sort these polarities out.
More Examples of Disowned and Borrowed Parts
- Overly Responsible Person & Joy Loving Maniac – The overly responsible fucking partner subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “fun-and-spontaneity” part through their fucking partner. the junkie subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “responsible” part through their playmate.
- Excessively Emotional Person & Emotionally Distant Mate – The excessively emotional fucking partner subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “emotional-regulation” part through their playmate. the emotionally distant fucking partner subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “emotional-expression” part through their playmate.
- Flammable Person & Peaceful/Cool/Collected Mate – The playmate with a flammable temper subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “composure-maintaining” part through their fucking partner. the Silent/Cool/Collected fucking partner subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “anger-releasing” part through their playmate.
- Excessively Nice (Edith Bunker) & Hostile Mate (Archie) – The overly-nice playmate subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “hostility” part through their fucking partner. the hostile playmate subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “soft-and-compassionate” part through their playmate.
- Passive Person & Aggressive Mate – The passive fucking partner subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “empowering” part through their fucking partner. the aggressive playmate subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “humility-and-restraint” part through their fucking partner.
- Givers & Takers – The providing fucking partner subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “love-receiving” part through their fucking partner. the Taking playmate subconsciously and vicariously practices their disowned “love-giving” part through their fucking partner.
Relationship Help – Connections
Looking closer at how this works – When two people connect emotionally in a relationship they do so in ways that are not apparent to the naked eye. you cannot actually see or touch the connections.
But if you have ever indeed been connected to someone you know it because you can feel the connection. These connections are invisible yet amazingly strong. We call them attachments or emotional bonds for lack of better terms.
One way to get a good sense for how these connections are made is to imagine how a laptop connects to the Internet in a “Hotspot” or Internet Cafe. usually through a wireless connection.
Another example is the cell phone. it connects to the network without cables by sending signal through the air – a “wireless” connection.
We connect to our playmate in essentially the same way. our subconscious mind broadcasts signals – called para-messages – out into the world. These signals are received by our playmate.
The limbic system or “emotional brain” – specifically the amygdala is the point of connection. It is often referred to as a Limbic Connection or Limbic Bond for this reason.
Since Love is an emotion, it goes after that the emotional brain would be the location of this wireless connection. So, our cognitive maps for love connect and synchronize in this way.
We have projected our “Love Map” onto our playmate and they have projected theirs onto us creating a “wireless network” – The two have merged into one.
The duo has now become a “system” – a networking of networks. But in order to be a well-functioning network, without glitches in the system, programming conflicts must be resolved.
Relationship Help – The Duo as a Network of Networks
Once we have resolved conflicts inbetween our internal Love Maps then we have co-created something fatter than each of us – a network outside of US. inbetween US. a unified, co-created, and collective map for how “we do love”.
This outward “system” or “wireless network” we refer to as our relationship contains all the instructions for how we function as a duo. A well-functioning duo realizes that our Maps for Love are only one set of many maps.
The brain has complexity, we have maps for.
- Social Interests
- and Other Maps/Neural Networks
It’s convenient if we share similar programming. But I have yet to see the duo who share every map in common. Now, I HAVE seen many glad couples who have learned to appreciate each others differences and needs.
Our differences help us maintain our separateness – you still have “your life”, I still have “my life”, and now we also have “our life”.
We must realize that our lives may intersect only at certain points. Some couples need relationship help when they cannot accept their different-ness.
We can disagree on some things and agree on others. we can encourage and support each other to pursue his/her own interests, even if that takes them away from us for a time. and we can have dedicated times for nurturing and sustaining our relationship – tending to “system maintenance”.
Relationship Help – Conflict Resolution
Over time we grow and proceed to co-create this wireless Love Map becoming closer, more intimate, harmonious and stronger as a duo. or not.
Co-creating a well-functioning, harmonious, collective network for love requires that we have an effective method to resolve conflicts inbetween us in way that creates win-win screenplays.
It’s utterly significant to know when to reach out for relationship help. Go to Signs of Marriage Problems to see if you may need help. Then visit Repair Instruments for Marriages to get an idea for what kind of relationship help you need.
If all we ever do is fight until there is a cease-fire, never indeed resolving anything, then we are incapable to fully synchronize and find harmony as a duo. There are too many system glitches. the entire network could crash as result.
If this is true in your case it suggests a need of relationship help focusing on conflict resolution strategies. That’s right – you may have to call in the geek squad. one of us therapists.
If one or both playmates cannot maintain a separate sense-of-self then we have become enmeshed also suggesting a need of relationship help.
Perhaps our neural networks get so tangled up with each other that love addiction becomes a problem. Or one person loses themselves by becoming engulfed – i.e. they feel “swallowed-up” by the over-powering network of the other.
Healthy boundaries help maintain that balance inbetween separateness and connectedness. We learn boundaries in our family of origin. If you can relate to the material you have read so far, be sure to read all four parts of the “Iceberg” before moving forward on this page.
Check out Twenty Signs of Marriage Problems to see if your marriage is in need of relationship help.
Thawing Toxic Relationships, is a book about healing and learning to co-create healthy relationships for those who learned toxic relationship dynamics in a dysfunctional family. If you relate to this website and would like to have a genuinely blessed and functional relationship then this is the book for you!
Relationship Help – Boundaries
A boundary is that edge where you end and I begin. We need healthy emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, and sexual boundaries. We need relationship help if we cannot maintain or establish healthy boundaries in these areas.
When we have healthy boundaries in our relationships, we accept people and deeds that are positive and helpful, but protect ourselves from people and deeds that are harmful to us.
In attempting to protect ourselves, we may have learned to keep very rigid boundaries, trusting no one and permitting no one to get close to us emotionally. Whenever anyone asks something from us our automatic response may be “NO”.
On the other arm, in our search for love and acceptance we may leave ourselves too vulnerable. letting people hurt us too lightly. In this case, the capability to say “NO” eludes us because if I say no, you might go away and not come back – i.e. fear of abandonment.
Healthy boundaries let us choose whom to trust, how much to trust them, and what deeds to accept from them, letting us have positive relationships while protecting us from manhandle.
Boundaries help us “train people how to treat us”. When I permit you to manhandle me more than once I am just as response-able for it as you are.
Relationship Help – Healthy Responsibility
Responsibility refers to our capability to react to situations and people in our life – response-ability. This involves specific kinds of responses.
- response-ability for ourselves – I have the response-ability to think, feel, speak, and act on my own behalf. If I permit or accept another to choose my thoughts, feelings, words, or behavior for me I am being under-responsible.
- response-ability to others – I am response-able for how I react TO others. I am NOT response-able FOR others. Others have the ability-to-respond for themselves.
If I take response-ability for the thoughts, feelings, words, and/or deeds of another I am being over-responsible. my taking response-ability for them is telling them I don’t think they are able to do it for themselves.
Exceptions are made in the case of children of course. However, while infants are totally unable-to-respond for themselves, all children become more and more response-able as they grow. Good parenting calls for knowing when not to do for their children what they are capable of doing for themselves.
Over-responsibility invites under-responsibility and sets up the Drama Triangle, victim-mentality, rescuing, care-taking, fixing, controlling, persecuting, enabling and other codependent maps.
Over-responsible, codependent people care too much. When they feel a need in others, they assume responsibility for them which actually ENABLES the other to remain under-responsible.
The under-responsible person wants this kind of care, they define it as “love”. In fact, they accuse, shame and blame if it doesn’t come. Consequently, they need relationship help to practice the feeling of true independence or interdependence – i.e. Healthy Intimity.
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This information is not a substitute for professional evaluation and/or treatment. Reading the information contained here may trigger strong emotional reactions. If you have an emergency, call 911, other local emergency contact, your local emergency room, or law enforcement agency.
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